Letters To You
by chakramchaser
Summary: A/O: A series of letters between our two lovely ladies as they struggle to connect and build their relationship into something new. Collaboration with the lovely Mini-Olivia-Benson.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: This is my first collaboration, with the wonderful and talented Mini-Olivia-Benson. She is writing the Olivia chapters and I am writing the Alex ones. Please check out her profile for her amazing fanfiction stories (the site won't let me put up a link, but you're all smart enough to find it).**

**Thank you! **

* * *

><p>Dear Olivia,<p>

I know the Internet has entirely obliterated the necessity of writing letters, but I wanted to write you one anyway. I like getting letters and knowing that someone's hand touched the paper and wrote out the words. It's more personal than an email because it's like it came directly from the other person… So I'm writing you a letter on the off-chance that you getting them as much as I do.

I just flew in from Amsterdam, so the jet-lag has me in its clutches again– it's 2 AM right now and I'm wide awake. I've got this new apartment in Albany, which is nice enough. It's just beyond me that they couldn't find me a place in New York City. Looks like your new ADA's doing a better job than I was, I guess. Don't worry, though, I won't hold it against you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say. I'm just a few hours away from the city, anyway, so it's not all that bad. I'll force you to take those five years of vacation time you probably have saved up so you can come and visit me!

I miss the city, Olivia. The lights and noises always made me feel so alive, so safe. Ironic, I know. There's something to be said for it, though– I'm sure you know what I mean. Remember the time I dragged you up to the woods to go camping for the weekend and you couldn't sleep because the quiet made you feel like there was something wrong? That was the best all-nighter I ever pulled, roasting marshmallows and watching the sun rise with you. We should do that again sometime. I don't care if you can sleep or not, I love the woods. In fact, that night with you was the most fun I've had in years.

I know you know all about the Task Force already, but I really can't get over the sense of accomplishment it gave me. A couple of months and a couple of cases later, I feel like I brought about some change. The people we tried did unspeakable things, and by prosecuting them we got justice for all of those victims. The work was so fulfilling but I still felt like it was time to come home… I did love the Netherlands, though, no matter how much I missed New York. The mood is so different over there– everybody rides bicycles, Olivia, you would love it. We should get bikes next time we go up to the woods (because there will be a next time, believe me).

How have you been since we last spoke? I know it was less than a week ago, but I feel horrible for going on and on about myself and not even asking after you. Feel free to kick me next time we see each other. I'm really going to make an effort to get into the city as soon as possible before I go into full work mode, because we're both such workaholics that I know it's never going to get done. I have to see you soon, Liv, it's been so long. Almost eight months by my last count. I miss you so much.

Well, that should put a stop to my jet-lagged ramblings for the night. You're probably bored out of your mind by now, and have much better things to do than read my pointless drivel. On the other hand, it might be better than whatever case files you have in front of you right now. If you're reading this at work, give my regards to Munch and Fin. Say hello to Cragen, as well. Feel free to ignore Elliot, though– he takes up too much of your time already.

I miss you, Liv. Don't be surprised if I show up at your door soon, expecting to be fed and watered and given a place to sleep.

Love,

Alex


	2. Chapter 2

Alex,

Thank you for writing a letter instead of an email. I have to agree with you when it comes to things like that. Besides, I enjoy seeing your handwriting again and I can even smell a little bit of you on the paper. It makes it a lot more personal, so please write me as many letters as you want.

It's good to hear that you arrived safely, but you're having trouble sleeping already? I remember getting a few phone calls from you around one or two in the morning, telling me that you had just remembered something related to whatever case we were then working on. You just couldn't wait until we were all at the precinct. I have to admit, I actually didn't mind hearing your voice that late. It kind of helped me sleep once the conversation was over. And don't worry, the new ADA is far from doing a better job than you, Alex. Everyone misses you here and we're constantly talking about you. So you said that you'd "force" me to take some time off? Is that so, Cabot? Well, I would love to see you try that one. In all honesty, I could use the time off but Cragen needs me here right now. Maybe you could come and kidnap me?

The city misses you, too, Alex. It's just not the same without you. Although nothing has changed around here, it didn't feel the same when you left. Of course I remember our camping trip in the woods. How could I forget? I don't think I will ever be able to sleep there but we have to go back anyway. Maybe we could plan another one. Those were some good times and I don't even know if I ever thanked you for it. In case I didn't… Thank you. I would love for there to be a next time so you just tell me when to pack and I'll follow you anywhere.

By the way, don't ever apologize for talking about yourself and how you are doing because I love hearing all about it. I've been good. Nothing new is happening at the precinct. You know how it is so I don't even have to describe that. When you left, I just threw myself into work because there was nothing else to do around here. I didn't have anyone to tease and bother– you know how I sometimes enjoy that with you. Elliot can't always take the same jokes that you can so it's entirely different with him. Hey, we might be workaholics but we also know how to let loose and have some fun. And for the record, I was keeping track too. I can't believe it's been eight months already.

I could never be bored with you, Alex. I really enjoyed reading your letter and I already know where to put it to keep it safe. You are always better than any case files and what a great distraction, too. I read your letter at work and thought I'd write you back right away. Elliot is sitting across from me right now, probably wondering what I'm writing. The guys send their love and wanted me to tell you that they can't wait to see you again. Listen to them and come see us soon. Well, come see me first and then the rest of them. Please?

I miss you. I do hope to see you at my door very soon because I don't know how much longer I can last without my favorite ADA here. Besides, the guys are driving me nuts.

Love,

Liv


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia,

I miss our late-night conversations. We only ever talk in the evening now, which is my fault for passing out from exhaustion before I can say anything of merit. I guess your voice makes me sleep, too – one more thing we have in common.

I would love to kidnap you and whisk you away from all the hustle and bustle of the city. As for Cragen, he always seems to need you. As much as I hate to say it, Liv, I think you underestimate the capability of the rest of the guys. They can probably function much more successfully without you than I can, so they shouldn't mind giving you up for a few days.

Albany's so much smaller than the city and I'm having trouble getting used to it. I almost hate seeing the quaint little made-to-order houses on my way to work. They only make me miss your tall urban apartment even more. Most of all, their pathetic attempts at park space just make me miss the woods and you. I can picture you at your desk right now, poring over my letter and pretending like it's a subpoena or something that actually has to do with work. I bet nobody notices that your eyes are smiling– I was the only one who could ever tell that. And as for where you're keeping my letters, I bet I know that one too… You have an old, plain hope chest at the foot of your bed that you got at a garage sale. It looks like it's full of sweaters and socks, but there's a box underneath. Inside you keep your favourite things and your deepest secrets. I'm tucked in there now, taking up a tiny part of your mind that will never belong to anybody else.

I'm sorry if you feel like that was an invasion of your privacy, Olivia. When you were out getting Thai for us once time, I looked through your room and found it. I wanted to feel like I knew you more than anyone else– it was selfish. But don't worry, I didn't open the box. I would never do that to you. I want you to share what's in there with me when you're ready, if you ever are. And it's okay if you're not. Remember that. I'm content with what I have of you.

Wow, I got far too sentimental just now. I'm almost disgusted with myself reading that over! But I really did mean it, even if it all sounds sappy and horrible. On a lighter note, I'm taking a few vacation days next week so I can come up to see you. In fact, I might get to you before this letter does depending on how soon I can mail it! So I guess I'll update you on the phone next time we speak so I won't take you completely off guard when I show up at your door.

This letter's short, I know, but I feel like I've said everything I need to say for now. Thanks for being around, Liv.

Love,

Alex


	4. Chapter 4

Alex,

This time, I'm writing you from home. It's been too hectic at work lately for me to sit down and write you a decent letter. I miss our conversations but at least we'll see each other in person soon, right? Nothing would make me happier than to be whisked away by you. I could use the vacation, that's for sure. Besides that, I treasure our friendship and I treasure you more than you probably realize.

I didn't know that you know about that box that I have, I guess I didn't hide it well enough. But I trust you more than I trust anyone else, Alex. I don't think I can explain it to you but what that I have with you is somewhat different than what I have with El. I trust him, I cherish the friendship that we have but I would never feel comfortable if he knew what is in that box. When it comes to you, I actually wouldn't mind you taking a peek. That's exactly where your letters are being kept and it's also where I keep my journal. I have to admit that it contains a few fantasies, among other things, but I'm not sure when I should share that with you… Your name is definitely in there, though.

I'm sitting here on my couch with a glass of wine on the coffee table. Looking around for a second made me realize how empty and sad this place seems whenever you're not visiting. I have a window open and the noises from the city are coming in but you know that that doesn't bother me one bit. My mind is beginning to wander a little– maybe the wine is slowly catching up with me. If I write something that makes you uncomfortable, please don't be afraid to call me out. The last thing that I want is to make you uncomfortable but I also can't lie to you.

I dreamt about you last night. You were here and, call me crazy, but you kissed me. I could feel your arms around me and your breath on my neck. You ended up walking me towards my bedroom and that's when I woke up. Wild, isn't it? Either way, that dream always makes me miss you that much more. I'm looking forward to looking into you eyes again and seeing that smile that makes my heart jump.

I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't send this letter. It sounds more like a page out of my journal, to be honest. Alex, please forgive me– this paper should be torn up, but I know in my heart that it'll end up in the mailbox anyway. I better end it now before you think that I've completely lost it. I hope to see you soon.

Love,

Liv


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia,

It feels odd to be writing you a letter so soon after we've seen each other. I just got home two hours ago and I found myself at the desk with a pen in my hand, and an envelope already addressed to you. Everything we said to each other has been turning over and over in my head, and I'm still not sure what to make of it.

I know that we danced around the topic of that dream you had, and I'm sorry I didn't bring it up. I was too afraid of ruining that natural rhythm of our conversation that I love so much. But I am glad that we got to talking about love in the end… I don't think I ever realized that you were lonely, since you're such an independent person. But when you told me that I'm the one who seems to fill that void, so many things began to make sense for me. When we finally decided to put down the wine and go to bed, we both ended up asleep in your bed… I would be lying if I said that when I woke up the next morning, I didn't feel happier than I had felt in a long time.

I was afraid that after all our time apart, even though we kept in touch, it would be awkward or different to spend time together again. But it really, really wasn't, as I'm sure you realized… I felt right at home with you, maybe even more than I have before. When I unlock my door when I come home from work, I wish you were here even just to say hello to me. I regret so many things about my life, Olivia, and I wish you knew what they were. I feel like I can't tell you yet, though. I'm not entirely sure why– but just as you have your box of secrets, I've got my own. Do me a favour and ask me about my biggest regret next time we see each other. I'm afraid that I won't be able to put it into words unless you're in front of me, waiting for an answer.

Thank you for everything this weekend, Olivia. I enjoyed it so much. Next time, let's make it at my place.

Yours,

Alex


	6. Chapter 6

Alex,

It was really great to see you again. You looked absolutely beautiful and I apologize for staring a little too long every now and then. I had a great time, like I always have with you.

I also appreciate the fact that you agreed to sleep in my bed. I enjoyed holding you and keeping you safe but did you even notice that? You seemed to have been in a deep sleep but I did feel you wrapping an arm around my waist and snuggling up against me. Just to let you know, I am perfectly comfortable with that and I enjoyed it. Thank you for being so comfortable with me and trusting me.

I wish that I could be there when you come home. I want you to come home to me, Alex but maybe that's too much to ask for right now. I will ask you about your biggest regret the next time we see each other. I'm not going to push you to tell me everything. You can tell me whatever you want to, whenever you're comfortable enough. I'll always be here for you, Alex. You know that. Thank you for joining me this weekend. I enjoyed it more than you know. Next time, we can meet up at your place. That sounds great to me.

Always,

Liv


	7. Chapter 7

Olivia,

I'm not sure that this is the best way to do this, but I can't really contemplate doing it face to face at this stage– it makes me too nervous. I just feel like there's something we've been avoiding talking about, and I want it in the open.

You know you mean a lot to me, and our friendship is one of the most important relationships in my life. I just don't know if you feel what I feel when we're together… It's hard for me to put into words, but it's something I haven't let myself feel in a very long time. It's a kind of love that runs deeper than friendship– I hope you understand what I mean. I don't think I can work it out in plain words just yet, not without seeing you again.

Remember when I mentioned my biggest regret? I think it's time I tell you about it. It has to be in person, though, because I know I can't write it down. Much less say it out loud, come to think of it… But if you're here, Olivia, I'll find it within myself no matter how much it scares me.

Please come and visit me. It's time we talked.

Alex


End file.
